When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint.
When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.
Dom Helder Camera

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you ?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed....
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac ?
George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.
So I grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out.
My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison

When you think of how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on a plane.
Calvin & Hobbes

A murder is only an extraverted suicide.
Graham Chapman

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant

The world is filled with willing people ;
Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost

I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading.
Henry G. Strauss

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want.
William Binger

If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.
Rita Mae Brown

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
Jayne Mansfield

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Mae West

I like two kinds of men : domestic and imported.
Mae West

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
Mae West

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;
if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
Marie Corelli

I really don't deserve this. But I have arthritis too and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny -observed when accepting an award-.

I did turn 75 today but remember it's only 24 celsius.


A true gentleman is one who can play the bagpipes--and doesn't.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this ?"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The older I get, the better I was.

Madonna said she doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's bisexual.